my dad...

Today, August 11, would have been my dad's 60th birthday.  I want to share with you this special man who was physically in my life for such a brief period of time, but has been in my heart and in my mind every day of my 34 years.  My dad, Les, was killed in a car accident with two other people in September 1974, just a couple of months prior to my 2nd birthday.  He was just 27 years old.  It's hard to explain what it's like to grow up without a parent - thankfully I had my mom.  Not having my dad has been like a puzzle that I have tried to put together all of these years.  The puzzle pieces come from my mom, from my aunts, uncles, grandparents, my older cousins, his friends - anyone who is willing to tell me about him.  With this information I try to complete a picture of a person who isn't here to tell me and show me himself.  The pain and loss is so strong, not only for what I never would have, but also for what I never did have.  No memories, no first-hand understanding of who he was as a person, no advice, no memories of hugs and I love you's.  But I do know, without any doubt that my dad loved me and my mom very, very much, and I know they were extremely happy together on their farm in North Dakota.  Fortunately for me I had and still have a wonderful mom who always told me how my dad felt about me, and how he loved to play with me.  With every achievement and special event in my life, my mom would tell me how proud and happy my dad would have been.  We always thought that he was my guardian angel, watching over me and helping me along the way. 

When I was about 15 I received a set of letters that my dad had written to my grandparents when he was in the Army, stationed in Germany.  It was my first chance to see how he communicated, what he thought about.  I could tell right away that he was a person who cared about writing to his family - letters to my grandparents, his aunts and uncles.  And he was very interested in the German culture - sightseeing, and experiencing his surroundings.  He brought back wonderful gifts for his family - beautiful German clocks, crystal bells, carved candles, German plates.  I read through each letter, tears pouring down my face, rocking back and fourth, crying out loud "why, why, why".  Pleading with God to let me see him, please just once let me see him and know him - please let me touch him.   

I haven't been able to read the letters again since I was 15.  They are both comforting and painful at the same time.  I will read them to my daughter though, when she is old enough to understand, and as I try and help her put together her own puzzle of my dad.

                                                                                                                                                          

                                                                                          

This is my mom and dad holding a very small Allison at my grandparents in 1973.  I'm loving my mom's dress and her hair.  She's adorable.  Not sure why the bottom of the picture is askew - must not have scanned quite right.

                                                                                                                                                                      

                                                                                                                                                        

This is my dad with our dog Jody.  My dad loved cats and dogs, and was an avid reader.  Jody lived until I was about 17 years old.  My dad's eyes make my heart melt. 

   

My dad cleaning fish - he loved to fish and hunt.  I think this picture looks like it could have been taken a year ago, not 33 years ago.

And so today is both special and sad as I think about an exceptional man who  I know and don't know all at the same time.  What I do know about him is what counts - he loved me, he loved my mom, he was helpful, kind, caring, a good friend and neighbor, a wonderful father,husband, brother, uncle, and son.  He gave to me a wonderful support system of grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins who I love so much.  Happy birthday Dad.  I love you and miss you.

Comments

[Daisy Cottage]

A beautifully written and expressed tribute to your dear father - he was SO handsome with wonderful, soulful eyes.. ((((((Allie)))))) my heart goes out to you sweetie as I lost my own dad when I was 24 and that was hard enough - so I can't even begin to imagine how hard and difficult this has been for you. I DO know, that your dad has been with you in your heart and soul every second of your life since his passing and he has to be so INCREDIBLY proud of the beautiful,loving young woman that you are.
Happy Birthday to your Dad and God Bless him.
Kim

[Daisy Cottage]

P.S.
The first song that plays on my blog was my dad's favorite - he's been on my mind alot lately. Thank you for sharing about your own beautiful dad with us.
xo,
Kim

[Brenda@Coffee Tea Books and Me]

Beautifully written!

My dad died of a massive heart attack when I was only ten years old. My memories are so faint but what I do remember is precious to me.

We also had a dog that belonged to my family when my dad was alive. We had to have her put to sleep when I was around sixteen years old. It was so hard because she was a constant reminder of happier days when my father was alive. He had loved that dog so much.

[Barbara]

Thanks for visiting me. What a sad post and yet at the same time not so in that there are such grand insights youhave been given of your Dad. I understand you grieving for what you never had rather than the man you did not know. Sometimes that is harder.

[Becca]

What a very touching post, that I can relate to. I will write you further privately, but just wanted to say I'm sorry your dad wasn't physically there as you grew up, but I know you carry him in your heart.

[KJ]

I am so glad that I wandered by here today! Your Father was a very nice looking man and appears to have left a nice legacy! What a tribute to man who would have loved what YOU have become!

In 1976, we lost a very close family friend to a plane crash. He was like an Uncle to me and I was devastated!

Thanks for your sharing heart!
kj

[marcia]

A beautiful post and a wonderful tribute to your dad.
He is a very handsome man and I enjoyed hearing about his life.
I'm sure he would be very proud of the lovely woman, wife and mother you are today.
marcia in TX

[Teresa]

Hi Allison,
You and I have had very similar paths. My daddy died suddenly when I was 5. I don't have any memories, and lean on my sister's and my mom for any information and insight they can give me of my dad. Growing up sometimes it made for a lonely exsistance without having a father. You are lucky to have very beautiful pictures and handwriting from yours. What a treasure!

Teresa
xo

[Meredith]

Oh I am glad to know more about your family and your father. I cannot imagine what it was like to grow up not knowing your dad personally. He looks so handsome and kind. Having lost both of my parents in the last 16 years, I know how certain dates can bring memories and wishes flooding back. I always think of the legacy my kids are to them, and how proud they would be of them, as your father, I know is proud of you and your sweet girl. Hugs on this special day.

[carolyn]

What a lovely tribute - he would be so proud.

[Sophiehoneysuckle]

Allison, that was so lovely and touching to read, and it must have been so hard for you to put into words everything you felt and wanted to say about your father. It must have been so difficult for your mum and you both as you were growing up, but I know how proud your dad would be of everything you've achieved and how you've turned out!! You are lucky to have such beautiful photos and letters to treasure, and I think it's a lovely idea to share them with Evy when she gets older. Your father looked like a beautiful man inside and out-it's clear good looks run in your family Allie! I have never seen a cuter baby! xxx

[Kim]

What a lovely, lovely tribute Allie. Both to your dad & to your mom, who so well kept him in your life as best that she could. I can imagine that your father would be extremely proud of who you have become.

And, I see that he lives on...there is definitely a resemblance between you & he.

[Christine]

Thank you for sharing such a personal story; it touched my heart.

[Melissa Michaels]

Wow, that was very touching. Another reminder to me that life is fleeting and we need to treasure the times we have, instead of always rushing forward trying to get more. When other people describe their losses it puts things into perspective. Live is so precious.
Thanks for sharing such a deeply personal story. Your dad would certainly be proud of you!
Melissa

[vivian]

dear alison,

thank-you for sharing this beautiful story with us....this story of real life, and real love!!! my first husband was killed in a farming accident six years ago, at the time our boys were six months and two years old.....it is comforting to me that even though as young as you were when you lost your father, as an adult you still have that longing to KNOW him, and to tap into that connection that father and daughter have even through life after death....i have always prayed that my children would have that desire when they are older as well.

i say a prayer for you today, that you will be comforted....our loved ones know when we need their love...look for little signs through out the day, the week, that your dad is near. God loves you, and is with you this day.

vivian

[Arlene]

Oh, my, such a sad thing, but wonderful that you have pictures and your family to tell you how much he loved you. Gorgous eyes he had! I am sure he would be so very proud today of his beautiful daughter!

[Jen]

Oh my gosh. What a wonderful tribute to a wonderful man. Your mom must be an amazing woman too. She clearly did a great job raising you by herself and with making sure your dad was a part of your life in any way that he could be. I'm so sad for you that you grew up without him. No child should have to suffer that, however, I'm so happy that he left you a legacy of love with your extended family. In that way, you are blessed Allison. Thank you for writing such a moving and thoughtful post and for sharing this part of you with us. My dad died 9 years ago this month and I miss him so much still. Give yourself a big hug from me! XO Jen

[Rhoda]

Aww, Allison, what a wonderful story about your father. I'm so sorry you didn't get to grow up with him. My own dad just turned 80 & I can't imagine how my life would have been without him. Your dad sounds like a wonderful, caring man who loved his family very much. And he was quite handsome. How ironic that you get to remember him as a young man & never as old.

Hugs,
Rhoda

[Adrienne]

Allison - This is a beautiful tribute to your dad. Thank you for sharing your heart and your loss with us. How special he must have been! Your mother was a wise woman to continually tell you how proud he would have been and how much he loved you. Some families come to a place where they no longer want to talk about the loved one who has passed. You have been given a wonderful legacy - what a treasure. Those letters are precious and I'm sure they will bring you and your daughter close when you share them with her someday. Again, thank you for sharing him with us. And, I agree - he had gorgeous eyes!

[Lori]

Allison, What a beautiful tribute to your handsome Dad. My heart goes out to you. Know in your heart you carry a part of your Dad with you everyday, your as sweet as you describe him. I have found to see the handwriting of those we love who have passed, to be a very intimate and touching piece of them. Love, Lori

[Jan]

Thank you for sharing one of your most precious possessions: your father. I'm sure he smiles when he sees that he's passed on all those attributes you've listed to his daughter.

Peace.

[cherry]

Ohhhh Allison *hugs* to you and your Mom! I can't even imagine what that was like for you. I wont even try.. but I do want to say that he must be sooo proud of you and the woman you have become. I am sure he looks down upon you often! To put into words like you did about the way you feel.....you are very talented. Thank-you for sharing such a wonderful but bittersweet part of your life with us. cherry

[Jodi W]

Thank you for sharing your Dad with us. I can only imagine how proud he would have been of you - sounds like you share a lot of the same qualities you described in him.

[Robin Sherwood]

he was a very special man.
i lost my mother when i was ten years old. it is part of your makeup that makes you as strong as you are.

happy birthday Allison's dad, you have a very special daughter, which i am sure you know.
xo
robin

[janet]

Allison,

Thank you for sharing. My Dad will be 90 next month and I am going to send him an e-mail right now to remind him how much he is loved and how much he means to me and everyone who knows what a kind and giving man he is. God bless you.

Janet